Expedited Extreme Reincarnation Package

Is this reality, or a beyond the grave prank between friends? This past spring, I had a vivid dream about reincarnation. It happened shortly after I organized a memorial for one of my oldest friends, who died by suicide. The dream started while I was still living, before I reached the after death part. The dream life was as my real life still is - complicated, frayed, at risk of permanent lost hope. My dream death wasn’t completely clear, but the impression was a quick ending. In the afterlife, a friendly, feminine figure greeted me. Best described as a cosmic travel agent, like Flo from the insurance commercials, I was informed of my path. This is how it went.

I opened my eyes.

There was a sense of being in a room. Not a room in our realm, because there were no discernible walls, floor, or ceiling. A glass room of infinite size and space, situated somewhere in the middle of the universe. It felt like floating on water, standing up.

There was no light source, but it wasn’t dark. It was pleasant lighting, with nothing in view. No stars or galaxies, no background images. A simple, empty room outside the confines of human understanding, in the vastness of the after.

In the afterlife waiting room, I was in my current physical form, but my body was only a representation. The same sensation as looking in a mirror. A pleasant feeling - void of discomfort, anxiety, pain, or any physical sensation at all. It felt similar to ingesting a large quantity of psychedelics, in space.

Directly in front of me was an afterlife reception desk, where the friendly, feminine figure stood. The face was humanish, but not a human being. They were an ethereal creature, with a warmth and vibrance humankind is incapable of. They beamed a sense of comfort and familiarity. I was at absolute peace within an unknown and unknowable experience.

Content, but confused, I asked, “Where am I?”

The figure said, “Where you’re suppose to be.” And for whatever reason, my mind accepted that as a reasonable and comforting truth.

The obvious next question was, “What happens now?”

“Let’s get you to your next life.” the figure replied.

“Did you say… next life? As in, I have to be alive again?”

“Yes. You’re on track for your next Expedited Extreme Reincarnation Package lifetime.”

“Sorry… my what?”

“Expedited Extreme Reincarnation Package. You’ve lived several lifetimes, and you’re halfway through the package. Let’s get you moving along to the next life!”

This is where the version of myself that I know, and the people in my life know, tapped in.

“What in the holiest of fucks is an Expedited Extreme Reincarnation Package? That sounds terrible and made-up. Who chose this package for me?”

“The Expedited Extreme Reincarnation Package is a high-volume, quick lifetime succession. Filled with meaningful human journeys and experiences, it is exceptionally exciting and challenging. It’s one of our top-tier reincarnation packages. You chose this package some time ago, and you’re doing great! Now, for your next life - ”

“No. No! Absolutely fucking not. Okay, listen, I’ve done the human thing. I get it, I get the jist. I’m not doing it again. I have no idea why I would sign up to do it many times or in the way that it went. Am I an idiot? Be honest. Am I some kind of cosmic moron or a spiritual masochist? Why would I willingly choose this?”

The cosmic agent motioned for me to look down at the afterlife reception desk. I placed my hands on the not-really-there edge and peered down. The desk displayed, in rapid fire, my previous lifetimes. As the footage rolled through the many versions of myself, how I lived and died, I watched in horror as it slowed down on a final highlight.

I looked up at the figure and calmly asked, “You made me… Hitler?”

“There was an error.”

“An error?! There are errors here?? What error? Hitler? HOW? WHY?!”

“Sometimes, reincarnation timelines get crossed. In this incident, your timeline became entangled with an ancestor. You lived their lifetime in error. But, don’t worry! You weren’t the Hitler you know of. Such incarnations are more a representation of that life track, not an actual manifestation as as you historically know it.”

“Mmmhmm. That looked pretty fucking Nazi Hitler to me. Jesus Christ, how could I do those things?? What ancestor did I get crossed with? Was it my great-grandfather? It was, wasn’t it? You know what, I don’t wanna know.”

“After the timeline error, you upgraded to the Expedited Extreme Reincarnation Package, to cleanse your spiritual path. After vigorous testing and processing, you chose the package and accepted this series of lifetimes.”

“Let me get this right. You turned me into a dimensional Hitler, mass murdering fuck, by mistake, and then I chose to suffer in rapid lifetimes after? That sounds like bullshit to cover your reincarnating asses!”

“It’s a common decision after an aggressive reincarnation experience, even without an error. Eventually, everyone choices it. Very few complete the process to start the package. It’s not for the faint of heart, but you’re doing great! Let’s get you scheduled for your next lifetime!”

“Look, I’m not asking for a refund. I don’t want a refund, or whatever the hell it is here. Let’s call this whole thing completed. How do I, uhh, cancel, or back out? How do we make that happen?”

“The Expedited Extreme Reincarnation Package exists as an eternal agreement in perpetuity throughout the universe. The only way to complete the package is to finish the package. Are you ready for your next life?”


Read the rest of the story on Vocal.

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